As a rabbi, I am called upon to officiate at funerals. I try my best to be of comfort and help to the mourning family. I feel good when helping people in their time of difficulty and sorrow.
Yet there have been times, a few, not many, when I was criticized either because of what I said or for what I did not say. Yet, in back of mind, I try to be a source of comfort to the mourners and point out in my eulogy the strong points of the decease’s character.

A eulogy is a tribute to one who has died, but it is also a message to those who are alive. It is an opportunity to glean from the deceased life an insight or two. I question the family for facts so that I can tell it as it was, so no one can say when hearing the eulogy “who is he talking about.”
This led me to wonder that perhaps to avoid saying the wroing things, each of us should write our own eulogies. After all, if we praise ourselves who cares if we are accused of being conceited. That’s the way I saw myself.

The guideline that I would suggest in writing one’s own eulogy is to recognize at least three wishes. We need to think how these three wishes pertain to our lives. We should use these wishes as a basis for our own eulogy, to be spoken about us when we die.

The first wish is that those we love, those close to us in family and friendship, neighbors and co-workers should understand “what we lived for; our values and our intentions, what we meant by our life at its best, seeing our faults and mistakes with understanding and generosity. We need to share with people our values and hopes. We need to impress upon them that we worked hard, provided for family not just material things, but spiritual and social values. Aside from the clergyman, we need to ensure that the lives we touch, know that our life was lived at its very best. I hope that the eulogy you write about yourself would succeed in letting others know what your life was all about.

The second wish is to answer the questions: Has my life made a difference? Is the world a better place for people because of me? Have I done anything to lessen fear and hatred among people?
If you were to die tomorrow, would your life have made a difference to other people? Sometimes we do not recognize the good we do. Becoming a member of a civic club, or a veterans organization, volunteering at the hospital are but a few ways through which we can make a difference. If you have changed one person’s for the better, than by a ripple effect, you have many more.

The third wish, we should write in our own eulogy our hope for those we love. This we can do without waiting until death claims us. We can express our hope for our children’s future by making sure they go to college, live honorable lives, and not be embittered illnesses and deaths. We can tell our spouses everyday how much we love them and what they mean to uo us We can let our friends know that they were great companions who made us smile, helped us when times were difficult.

So, if you decide to write your own eulogy, first be honest, Then reveal your life, tell what it is that you lived for, that you did your best to make life better.

Finally, when you write your eulogy, know that it is to paint a portrait of a saint. It is to see a person as they really are.

Jacob Friedman is a rabbi serving the Jewish Community Center of Long Beach Island, New Jersey. He has a Doctor of Divinity degree in Old Testamant Philosophy, and has authored numerous article and homilectical material. He currently lives in Lakewood, New Jersey