Suicide is nothing but an attempt at control. A selfish, manipulative method of trying to get what you want. I know more reasons exists for suicide but for me it was the ultimate act of selfishness.

The day was bright. My mind was so dark. I was drinking, taking drugs, and my wife was divorcing me.

I was living with my sister in Gulfport, MS. and I just wanted to go home or die. My mind was in such a state of confusion and turmoil that death seemed like an answer. Yet, it was just another way of saying I will control my life, no matter what.

My wifes dad had died. I didnt really care if he died or not. I just wanted what I wanted and when I wanted it. I desperately wanted my wife to let me come home and she was dead set on not allowing me back in the house. Today I understand why, and appreciate her decision, but at the time, I hated her and I hated me and I would show her who was boss.

After the funeral my wife and son, stopped by and I began my begging. Let me come home. Please I beg you, I am going to die if I dont get to come home. I pleaded, cried, pleaded, and cried some more but the answer was the same. No Bob you cant come home. My wife said repeatedly.

I turned to my young son and ask, Wesley do you want daddy to come home?

He said, No Dad I dont want you to come home.

I died! I had tried everything I knew to do but now even my own son didnt want to be around me. They left and I made the decision to kill myself. I will show them. I will make them hurt as much as I do. Self will run riot even to the point of death.

I went in the house took a full bottle of blood pressure pills, a bottle of Thorazine and two or more bottles of cough syrup. I then went to a back room, put a tub under my arm and cut myself deep enough to bleed to death. I have to laugh today because I remember thinking, ok Bob your sister is going to be really mad if you bleed on her carpet. So, I took time to put a bucket under my arm. Well, things didnt turn out the way I had planned. My brother in law came home early and found me and called an ambulance, I lived.

Today, I will never give up again. Since that moment in time years ago, many things have changed in my life. I found a way out of addiction. I found a God who brings me joy, peace, and comfort in times of troubles. Oh, I have wanted to die many times. And, I have tried to kill myself several times. And, they say a person who attempts suicide will one day actually finish the job. Today, I know suicide is not the answer.

Suicide is not the solution. My solution has been a willingness to trust God. In a jail cell in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, I turned my will and life over to Jesus Christ. He has worked for me. For me, He was the only thing that did work. I needed a complete transformation of my mind. He is doing for me what no human power can do or ever could do. Let me encourage you to try calling on His name. Surrender your will and power to His power. If you are seriously thinking about suicide, you need to get on the phone, right now, and dial 911. Tell some one how you feel. Call the police. Call someone and let him or her know what you are thinking. I promise life will get better. It did for me. It took time for me to learn how to live life on life terms but I will not give up again. If you cant call someone or will not call anyone write me. My email address is challenger7777@gmail.com. God bless you and He will.

Dr Bob Wilkerson is founder of Challenger Christian Ministries, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping others recover from life altering circumstances. Dr. Bob is a motivational speaker with true life story of God’s power to change any individuals life. If your Church or organization is looking for a dynamic speaker please email him today. challenger7777@gmail.com