To live with the conscious knowledge of the shadow of uncertainty, with the knowledge that disaster or tragedy could strike at any time; to be afraid and to know and acknowledge your fear, and still to live creatively and with unstinting love: that is to live with grace. -Peter Henry Abrahams

Christmas 1979 promised to be gifts, food, and fellowship with family. It didnt turn out that way. I was selling Christmas trees with my father-in-law at a local grocery store in Gulfport, Mississippi. It was cold, for south Mississippi. Christmas music was playing and suddenly my chest began to hurt. I mean it began to hurt bad. This was no ordinary pain. My chest felt like an elephant was standing on it. I couldnt breath and I refused to think heart attack. My stomach was upset, I thought maybe I had eaten something I shouldnt have. I was puzzled and frighten. I had one beautiful boy and a wife that could sing like an angel. We were young and extremely good in the field of Christian music. I felt we had a future in the ministry. My wife and I had our difficult times but we were starting to grow closer to each other and to the Lord. Truthfully, I havent allowed myself to even think about this for many years. It was a good time in my life yet it turned out to be the worst time of my life. This moment in time turned out to be one of those turning points. My life changed drastically and it changed for the worse not the better.

After a few minutes, I decided to tell my father in law what was happening. He told me to go in the store, sit down for a few minutes, and drink some water. I did what he ordered hoping the pain would go away. The pain continued and it was growing worse. I never even thought about my heart, I was so young and strong.

My father-in-law walked into the store, looked me with concerned and asks, Are you felling any better?

No, it still hurts like the dickens, I answered, my hand clued to my chest.

I remember the apprehension on his face. He was a kind man and one of the few men I had been around that didnt have a problem with alcohol. Well Bob why dont you go on home and lay down for a while and when you get better come on back.

I did what he said but it didnt get any better. When I arrived home, my wife was alarmed but still we didnt think about the heart. My breathing was getting worse and now I was vomiting. My wife called a nurse and she came over and had me breath in a bag. The bag didnt work. I remember how foolish I felt breathing in a bag. The nurse finally told my wife to rush me to the emergency room, so we did.

After arriving in the emergency room, things went fast and my memory is foggy. I remember the stick of a needle going into my arm. After the stick, I went to heaven. Oh, it wasnt the real heaven, but the drug took me to a place so warm and wonderful. I didnt feel pain any longer. I had used drugs before, smoked dope, drank, took pills but nothing ever affected me like this. I felt good about myself. It was glorious. The nurse gave me a shot of morphine for pain. This shot started a cycle of addiction, which ultimately took me places I never dreamed I would go. Drugs became my god, my lover, and my life. No power on the face of this earth was going to break this addiction, no power. Yes, I was in a horrific jam, and before it ended things would get much worse.

To make a long story short, I stayed in the hospital in Gulfport, MS for a long time, taking drugs every four hours. Then on New Years Eve, an ambulance transported me to New Orleans for surgery. As it turned out, I had a viral infection in the lining of my heart and lungs called paracarditis. The doctors had no idea how the virus had gotten there and there was no cure. I survived the surgery but, at that time, I had no idea where it would lead. Thinking back on those moments brings tears to my eyes. I wish it could have been different but Glory to God this is how it had to be. I survived the surgery but inside I died and became a slave to drugs. I was definitely in a jam with no way out. However today I realize addiction has turned out to be my greatest asset. It is also true, no human, no doctor, no amount of education, no therapist, or psychotropic drug could relieve my addiction. Only the God of all glory had the power to accomplish that task.

If your world is falling part like mine did I pray you will find the strength to go on. Let me encourage you today but telling you that God loves you and He is right there with you in the middle of the storm. So, hold on my child joy comes in the morning.

A song that help me get through hard times, many times by the Crabb Family titled, When you have done all you can

Your back’s against the wall and you don’t know what you’re going to do.
This trial you’re facing is the worst thing that you’ve been through
You feel singled out in the battle, your will to fight is almost gone.
There’s one in your corner whose never failed
Don’t give up keep pressing on.

Chorus:

In the midst of the storm He spoke peace be still and the wind lay at His feet
With just five loaves of bread and two little fish, He watched five thousand eat.
He made the blind man to see, set the captive man free, to this world He was Heaven-sent
When you’ve done all you can, remember Jesus can do all that you can’t

When we gather in Heaven and our battle with life is through.
Should we swap old war stories, I have one I’d like to share with you.
About that night at the crossroads where Satan vowed I would lose.
A hand out of nowhere picked me up, and I made it through.

Words and Music by Gerald Crabb